How many of you can count the times you’ve heard the advice, “Accept and love yourself?” How often has it been said with an implicit or explicit promise that if you accept and love yourself, good things will happen?
The greatest and most renowned teachers and mentors in the world talk this way. People who inspire millions, whose stories are truly remarkable. People who have healed from terminal illnesses, overcome significant financial hardships, faced the impossible and discovered that things can be different. They’ve found the light and returned with the same message: all we need to do is accept and love ourselves.
It’s been 30 years since I first heard this idea. For 30 years, I’ve been searching for the button that, once pressed, would grant me this heavenly acceptance and love, and all my suffering would end. For 30 years, I’ve searched and tried, but haven’t found it, and my suffering has only grown.
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If I set aside my cynicism and anger for a moment, the truth is I’m not really looking for that button anymore. The reason is simple: early in my journey, I began to learn and understand that self-love is not a destination to reach, but a vision to live by. And the path to this vision lasts a lifetime.
Think of an athlete – does she stop training because she’s good at what she does? Think of a musician – does he stop practicing because he plays beautifully? Think of a qigong/yoga teacher – does she stop practicing because she has students? The answer is no, no, and no.
So why, when it comes to personal development, do people really think that self-acceptance and self-love are a goal that, once reached, means there are no more problems, difficulties, and battles to face? Why in this field do people think that one day it will end, the need to heal wounded places and strengthen abilities and qualities?
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I call modern spirituality “Disney spirituality”. Just like in stories where the knight saves the princess and they live happily ever after, we’re told that one day the journey will end and we’ll live immersed in boundless love, without the need to learn, heal, strengthen, or develop.
No one tells us that exactly two days after they moved into the castle, the princess and the knight had their first fight, because she wanted to change the castle’s design and he didn’t want to hear about it, and she felt he wasn’t seeing her, and he felt she wasn’t respecting him.
We’re also rarely told that self-acceptance and self-love are a vision, not a goal, that life is more complex than a Disney movie. The implications of this misunderstanding or misdirection are enormous. Among other things, people become even more disconnected from themselves under the guise of connection. Meanwhile, more and more people are disappointed with workshops and treatments and stop investing in themselves, all because they’re not reaping fruits that can’t really be harvested when self-love becomes a goal.
Fortunately, there are here and there mentors and teachers who teach that self-acceptance and self-love are an ongoing process that has no end. Fortunately, I’ve been learning from such a teacher for almost 30 years. I’m learning that there’s no button, but there is a vision.
